Hello my beautiful sisters!
Lately, my heart has been really crying out for my single sisters. I have counseled quite a few single women this month who either are getting out of a rough dating relationship or some wondering why they shouldn’t date the “good guy who doesn’t love Jesus".
My heart breaks because I am tired of seeing so many of my sisters’ settling for “Mr. Right Now” and not waiting for “MR.RIGHT!”
I remember when my best friend and I were 24 years old, both single and very curious as to “WHO” would be the one for us; we decided to take a different outlook on our singleness. We decided, instead of talking about guys all the time and wondering “WHO” our husband will be, “why don’t we honestly focus on the Lover of our soul Jesus, serve like Him like crazy and we become the one…”
What I mean by, “Become the One” is instead of trying to find or wait for the one, we focused on building our character and being the right one. We decided to put our faith in action by praying for our future husband. We prayed specifically; we prayed for the character of our husbands. We prayed we would be attracted to our husbands, that we would be teammates with our husbands. We prayed for his calling, the ministry God would call us to, we prayed for our future marriages, our intimacy with our husbands and even how we wanted to bring the best out of them and vice versa.
Whenever we met an awesome guy at church or a Christian event and saw amazing attractive qualities about that guy, instead of thinking, “oooh maybe, he is the one?” We just prayed those character qualities for our future husband and then honestly asked ourselves, “do we possess those character traits?”
Now don’t get me wrong, as a single woman in my twenties and approaching thirty, I thought about “who” would marry often. I had to frequently check myself to keep my thoughts on the LORD.
There were many “Mr. Wrongs” that I thought were “Mr. Rights”. From the age of 20 and on, I didn’t date any of them. I only had friendships with guys during my seven year vow. But in my head, I was observing them and in the Spirit and praying whether they were something or not. Not once ladies, did I tell a brother, “I like you”.
Some may call it being old fashioned, but I do believe that it is a MANS JOB TO PURSUE YOU!
Now personally, I am ambitious and go getter, but in the area of relationships and marriage the one thing I learned during my 7 year vow was that it is the man’s job to pursue.
I was taught by my awesome dad, that when a man is really interested in you, you will know. He eventually will tell you. If he hasn’t told you verbally, then maybe he’s just not that into you….what might be ISN’T. (That’s another blog)
Thankfully, because I prayed so much for my future husband, I knew what I was waiting for. So if I met a handsome godly guy that showed interest, but I saw that he did not possess the heart and character qualities I was praying for, I thought to myself, ‘Excuse me sir, but you’re in the way of the one.’
I remember my senior year of college, out of nowhere, I started thinking of one of my x-boyfriends that I had a serious crush on when I was 16 years old. For some reason, he kept coming to my mind. Then one family picnic, he shows up to the picnic looking for me!
Oh girls, he looked good. He seemed to have it all: nice car, great job, charisma, college education, humor, got along with my family and boy did he have “game”— he had many qualities, but one huge thing was missing……
He didn’t love Jesus.
I remember feeling such a struggle in my heart because he seemed to have it all, but yet, was missing everything, because he didn’t know nor had any desire to love my Savior.
I was so tempted by the idea of giving him a chance, my flesh was trying to justify that maybe I could “help” him find Jesus again like I tried when I was 16. Maybe this time he could turn around.
He approached me and said, “I didn’t come to this picnic for a sandwich, I came here to see you. Would it be ok to meet for dinner to talk?”
I replied kindly, “No, I don’t do dinner with guys.”
Yes ladies, as a single girl, I use to do dinner with guys who showed interest, but I learned my lesson and made a decision not to do dinner alone with a guy unless I knew he was definitely marriage material and it was going towards courtship. There is just something about dinner and dim lighting…he looks cuter in dim lighting...they play romantic music...etc. you get the point. We need to guard our hearts!
So I suggested we just meet up for a quick bite during lunch (in daylight) or take a walk at a nearby park (public setting) to talk. Long story short, he agrees for a lunch meeting the following week. The day we were supposed to meet, he calls that he’s on his way and I hear a loud motor in the background so I ask, “What’s that sound?” He proceeds with, “I’m picking you up on my bike.”
HA!! My flesh ladies at this point is totally like, “nice summer motorcycle ride with a fine old friend…that won’t hurt anyone, right?”
But in my Spirit, I knew…NO WAY! I followed the Spirit and said, “No venga aqui con eso. [Spanish Translation: don’t come here with that] I’m sorry, but I’m not getting on your back.”
He was pretty offended that I wouldn’t get on his bike, and was pretty upset knowing that he had to go back to his house to get his car if he wanted to meet with me.
Ladies, don’t get me wrong, this was difficult to do. But he wanted to meet with me, so he needed to meet with me in the conditions that I felt showed me the most respect and where I wouldn’t feel tempted.
As godly women, we can’t present our bodies to sin. The act of getting on a motorcycle is not a sin. But let’s keep it real, wrapping my legs around my ex-boyfriend for a summer ride and leaning my chest on his back would be a sin for me. It would not be “living above reproach”, (1 Tim 3:2) it would not be “avoiding the appearance of evil”, (1 Thess 5:22) and it would have led both of us into temptation.
He picked me up in his fancy car, and we ended up meeting at a nearby park. He gave me a nice long speech about how I was the only girl he’s been thinking about for the last 6-7 years since we were teens. He went on to talk about how he dated so many women and had been with so many women, but his mind and heart keep going back to me. He said he was sick of all the games and wanted a real woman…blah, blah…
Do you hear the violins playing in the background?
I was not falling for this dudes game. Was I feeling tempted by his flattery? YES! BUT what I REALLY heard was, “I’ve had sex with a lot of different girls, and now that I am ready to settle and get married; I’d like to settle and get married to a virgin.”
Nope, “I’m not the one dude!”
He then asked, “So I was wondering if I can spend some time getting to know you again and take you out this week.” He asked me again to go out to dinner, when I had already told him that I don’t do dinner with guys.
Ladies, was he respecting me? No. We have to pay attention to these little character details that show tell-tale signs that a guy really doesn’t respect you. I flat out said kindly, “look, I know if I go out with you, I know I will be attracted to you again. So I can’t do dinner, a movie, nothing with you. I not only want to guard my body, but I need to guard my heart as well. Why would I open my heart to a guy that I know I am not going to marry?”
His jaw dropped open and said, “Oh, you know you’re not going to marry me?” I said, “Yes, I know that.” He then says, “Man, that’s why I need a woman like you. You out the box. You’re not like any woman I know.”
AHHH! All the while, my flesh was like, “Come on! Give the guy a chance…”, but I fought the flesh and said, “I’d like to go home now.” He dropped me off and I thought, “Whew, I passed the test!”
I did win the battle, but the war was not over. He continued to call me as a “friend” to catch up. He asked me out on dates for another month. I continued to say no. Then finally, I listened to the Holy Spirit say, “CUT IT OFF COMPLETELY. Don’t entertain his calls anymore. Why entertain even conversations with a man you’re not going to marry?”
So I obeyed the Spirit and cut it off. Then God said, “Erase his number from your phone.” OUCH! I justified it, “But God, what if I just want to invite him to church or something…” God reminded me, I know his address, and I know how to reach him. So I deleted his number and my cell phone said, “Are you sure you want to delete?” Agh! It was so tempting, BUT I did it, I deleted his number!
I stayed clear from him—and didn’t accept his calls. I clearly told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore, that I needed to focus on Christ. After a couple more calls, and even visiting my church. He finally gave up.
Maybe 8 months or so later, I find out he’s engaged and soon after married to another girl. I’m like “WHAT? REALLY?” The enemy even tried to tempt me with the idea, “Look that could have been you getting engaged and married.”
But I knew that I was waiting for the godly man God made just for me; and it was not HIS time yet.
Ironically about four years later, when I had just been engaged with my wonderful husband, I saw my ex on the train.
Here I was getting ready to marry the man of my dreams and I came to find that my ex was already recently divorced to his wife. I couldn’t help but thank GOD for HIS LOVE AND MERCY, for keeping me and saving me from yet another destructive relationship.
What’s my point? See ladies, we have a free will and…
1. Just because a guy pursues you doesn’t mean he’s the one.
2. Just because you’re thinking of someone—doesn’t mean he’s the one.
3. Just because you have a dream with a guy doesn’t mean he’s the one.
4. Just because you think of a certain guy every time you pray doesn’t mean he’s the one.
5. Just because you feel a yearning for a certain guy for years, doesn’t mean he’s the one.
We need to be very careful that we don’t over spiritualize our physical and heart desires.
The Bible warns us ladies, 2 Timothy 3:6-9 says that in the last days, people will be…
reckless, they'll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they're animals. Stay clear of these people. These are the kind of people who smooth-talk themselves into the homes of unstable and needy women and take advantage of them; women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself "truth."
Listen ladies: stand strong in the power of HIS might and WAIT!
With love and sincerity, I want you to know even if you feel like, “that unstable and needy woman”, you can ask JESUS right now, to strengthen you! In Christ, you have a new divine nature that will give you the strength to walk in purity and obedience and avoid anything that hinders your walk with Christ.
A married woman I know who is married to an ungodly difficult man, told me, “Melody, it’s better to be single and lonely, than married to the wrong man and miserable.”
Ladies, TRUST THE LORD! He has such great plans for you! I am so thankful that I trusted God and stood on His word when many around me were compromising, I said, “Lord, I will wait! I will trust You!”
God can do anything girlfriend! He can turn your story around! I don’t know whether God has marriage in store for you or not. But I do know Jesus is enough. I do know that HE can give you a wonderful man even if you’ve made some huge mistakes. His grace is so deep and wide, it’s beyond our comprehension. But it takes us ladies, surrendering our will to God and trusting HIM with our future.
I understand this topic of “the one” is deep and has many levels to it. It can be complicated. As girls we can talk on and on about this topic. Maybe you even have some questions.
PLEASE FILL FREE TO REPLY WITH A QUESTION, in fact I encourage it all the more, and will be coming back with a Part 2 to this blog and maybe a Part 3 or 4 if need be…
I want to give tips and guidelines on how to know if he’s “the one” especially when it’s a good godly guy. So stay tuned.
In the meantime, read the Book of Ruth. Check out her story and observe what choices Ruth makes in comparison to Orpah and see the Sovereignty of God in her life as she follows the God of Israel.
Until then sisters, take courage and fight the good fight! I love you dearly!!
Related Verses to Chew On: